Sunday, September 9, 2012

intimate walk with Karin

Karin actually wanted to interview me and then mentioned it would be nice to combine it with a walk the day of the opening. She works in Visby, Gotland for an agency that used to promote traveling exhibitions throughout Sweden and is currently working to promote development and collaboration in the exhibition area. We met at Mangkulturellt centrum at 2pm. I was about 10 minutes late and Karin had to call me on my phone while I was walking over to the center from my flat. This time I apologized professionally. We left our bags in the locker downstairs. Since I couldn't find a 5 crown coin, we decided to share the same locker. We walked towards the lake across the field with the many ducks and geese. It was sunny with a nice wind. I forgot what we talked about in that first section of the walk. I probably told her a little bit about the walks and how therapeutic they had been for me. Karin let me know that she was married and had a small daughter. Having a child had brought a big change into her life. She had had a good, well-paid job for many years and told me how her life had been quite predictable and sort of dull before her daughter came into her life. She explained it a bit like this: Before the baby everything was up to her. She could choose what to do and what not to do. When the baby came into her life everything was unexpected and new. And it wasn't up to her anymore. For some reason we got to talking about facebook and I said I wasn't on facebook anymore and she asked me why. I replied that it had gotten too invading for me and that it had taken up too much of my time. She asked me if I was referring to my own facebook behavior or to the behavior of my facebook friends. I said both. I also said that I preferred to nurture more sustainable and intimate real-time friendships than to stay connected with countless virtual friends on a more superficial level. I had to think of this interview with Sherry Turkle I had read in a recent issue of Das Magazin, a Swiss lifestyle journal. Sherry Turkle studies how technology is shaping our modern relationships: with others, with ourselves, with it. Here's a TED talk she gave in March 2012: http://www.ted.com/talks/sherry_turkle_alone_together.html
Karin told me how she used to go horseback riding as a child. I told her I had the same hobby when I was a teenager. She asked me if I missed it. And I had to think for a while to give her an honest answer. I said that I had liked the time spent with my friend and with the horses in nature. But that I never felt quite comfortable with the idea of having to be the master of the horse. I had never enjoyed dominating the horse. I felt too weak and lenient to establish a clear relationship with the horse. To be completely honest, I had always been a bit afraid of the horse. Karin commented that she had known many people who got a kick out of this feeling of dominating the horse and that many of these people weren't doing so good with their human relationships. Karin also told me that in Sweden it's a big no, no to talk to strangers at the bus stop. Especially people of the same age will never talk to each other. I wondered why that is and she replied that it's a class or status thing. She went on to say that in the US strangers are much more likely to get into conversation with each other. For her interview she asked me why the 'intimate walks' needed to be outdoors . . . or if it would also be possible to do them inside of a museum for example. Again I had to think for a while: I think nature is more conducive (at least for me) of an intimate connection with oneself and one's surroundings. Even within a city I feel my thoughts can flow more naturally outdoors than indoors. The open space makes it easier to find a balance between following one's curiosity and engaging with the other. Inside a room I could easily feel trapped and setting up an intimate walk or encounter might feel more forced. The whole set-up of the 'intimate walk' is already artificial and ambiguous in itself. I would say it lies in a grey zone between a real desire for an intimate connection and a performative aspect which makes both parties more aware and possibly self-conscious of what is happening. Doing this inside of a museum might bring out the artificiality even more, so much so that it would be out of balance.


Friday, September 7, 2012

intimate walk with Erik

Erik asked me for an intimate walk the day after the intimate walks had officially ended. I wasn't sure if he really wanted one or if Kristina had asked him to go for one.  She had mentioned to me that she thought it would be good for Erik to participate in an intimate walk because he will be in charge of making the exhibition accessible to all kinds of audiences. Erik is a busy man. He only had one hour from 11 to 12 on Wednesday morning. We walked towards the lake and over the hill at a brisk pace. That was Erik's proposition. We talked about his fashion design education. I fell into my habit of asking a lot of questions. I was curious about Erik because he is such a curious character. In the brief interactions we'd had in the time leading up to the opening of the exhibition I had sized him up as a dynamic, friendly, sensitive and approachable lad. More the intellectual type, but with a creative and flexible vibe. I also find him rather cute. He told me that he had got the job at the Mangkulturellt centrum by replacing somebody who was on maternity leave. And then his contract got prolonged for another year. This meant he suddenly found himself with a nice job, a nice, steady income and a nice flat. This was new and unfamiliar for Erik. He admitted to being rather restless by nature. Before he had worked as a freelancer giving workshops in designing and recycling old stuff. He had also toured with a band. He had liked the freelancing lifestyle, its uncertainties and vicissitudes. We walked through the 'Allee' which in English (according to the online dictionary) would be an alameda or tree-lined road, but to me it's a bit like an enchanted tunnel or canopy-roofed threshold where I feel connected to the Swedish royal past. The couple of times I'd walked past there, I always had this sense of meaningfulness. I took a mental picture of this particular moment in history: Erik and I walking through the 'Allee' talking about a more settled lifestyle in comparison to freelancing. Freelancing isn't settled at all (at least in mine and Erik's experience). He said that having this new, steady job made him feel a bit sleepy and too comfortable sometimes. And that scares him a bit. For him having this contract for another year feels like being employed for eternity. He misses the thrill of not knowing what's going to happen the next week, or even the next days sometimes. He has more income and can afford to eat when he's hungry and visit places he feels like visiting without first having to think about his budget. That's a new kind of freedom, but apparently he also noticed a kind of laziness and complacency that comes along with it. I asked him what he does in his free time. He used to go running, but now he has some problems with his legs. So he goes walking mainly. And he reads a lot. When he has money he buys books and he reads them at home. Mainly philosophy books. He just bought one by Peter Sloterdijk.
Is this the portrait I wanted to draw of Erik? I'm trying to remember what more our 'intimate walk' made me feel and think. Did he maybe serve as a mirror for my own lifestyle as a freelance artist and my wish to settle down a bit more? I was quite absorbed by his way of thinking and formulating thoughts and almost forgot to think and formulate my own.  I liked the way I couldn't grasp some things he wanted to convey and had to ask again making him say it in other words. I didn't get impatient. I just realized how his mind works differently from mine. He also helped me a lot in preparing my booklet for the exhibition. He let me use his computer to print and was always very helpful and polite while helping Tatiana and Kristina and more people simultaneously. At the opening he was there to watch my performance and I was very happy about that and felt supported by his presence. The next day he gave me a folder published by his fashion school in which he had conducted an interview with Nicolas Järvklo, a PHD-student and researcher on the Swedish masculinity-politics. The interview was related to Erik's collection of men's knitwear which dealt with heterosexual transgression. 

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

intimate afternoon with Anna and Matti

This experience was going to be somewhat different and maybe 'out of concept', but then again my concept for this is flexible and based on intuition and desire.
It had been 5 years probably since I had seen Anna for the last time. We used to study choreography together in Amsterdam. She didn't finish the program and moved back to Stockholm where she is from.
So naturally I wanted to use this opportunity to have a reunion with her and I thought it would be nice to do this in the frame of an intimate walk.
We had agreed by email to first meet up for brunch on Saturday together with her boyfriend Matti and possibly some more of her friends. And then later on go for a walk. She came to pick me up at the tram station skipping to meet me with a white shawl and a huge smile full of glee. This was Anna as I remembered her! She had always had this capability to go very wild with happiness and to burst out in carefree and childlike behavior without needing to warm up or feeling self-conscious about it. I had always loved that about her. We gave each other a squeezed hug and laughed with joy. I commented on the nice, green neighborhood and asked her how long she'd lived here. Immediately her expression changed. She explained me that it's actually her father's rental flat and that there are some issues with the landlord and that they don't know how long they can stay. I felt slightly bad for asking the wrong question and was impressed by how quickly her mood had changed. And then I remembered also that quality of hers - to change at a moment's notice from one mood to another. And I remembered that she could also be very serious and heavy at times. Later on during brunch she said something about these different sides of her personality and mentioned how for Matti it hadn't always been easy to deal with them. Matti made a very pleasant, balanced and patient first impression on me. He is into these special shoes with a special pouch for each toe and let me try them. He goes walking a lot in the forest with these shoes and says they make him feel much more grounded and connected with the earth.
While Anna and I were preparing brunch in the kitchen, Matti was mending a sweatshirt in the living room. I had brought fruit and greens for a green smoothie and a fruit salad. Anna felt like baking a plum pie and made fried patties with fresh zucchini and potatoes from the garden where she works as a gardener. She made a dough for the cake and was super efficient in preparing and whisking everything up in a flurry. The food was truly delicious and very healthy. We talked about a lot of things: Anna's job at the garden, her dance project with a Swedish choreographer who had also been a teacher at the SNDO (where we both studied) many years ago. We talked about the Swedish right wing government (I wasn't aware of this), about how much taxes they pay. If I remember correctly around 60%. Incredible! Matti said he doesn't mind paying so much taxes if the tax money is used in a good way which he thought had been the case but with this new right wing government things might change. This statement impressed me. We talked about Anna's and Matti's trip to Senegal where Anna was involved in a dance project at l'Ecole de sable. We talked about Anna's applied kinesiology treatments. She studied kinesiology after coming back to Sweden and started treating patients, but now she doesn't have the time for it because of her work in the garden. We dreamed about having a space which could be a health food cafe / practice for body work / dance studio / artist residency all at the same time. After some questioning I found out that Matti is on a spiritual path. He committed himself to a spiritual self-study program with a book called 'a course in miracles'. He also works as a caretaker of a man who is paralyzed. We talked about rainbow gatherings and permaculture. Lots of interesting stuff. . . I felt awake and inspired.
After the pie Matti said that he would go out for a walk and asked us if we were interested in joining. This took Anna a bit by surprise and me also, because the plan was to go for an 'intimate walk' with Anna. But since my concept is not very well-defined and in constant evolution, I thought why not go for an intimate walk with a couple. Since it was grey and not so warm outside Matti lent me a woolen vest from India. As we left the house I confessed to them that I actually have experience hanging out with couples and don't mind so much being the third wheel (or fifth wheel) which I think for some people can be rather uncomfortable. I also said that one couple I had hung out a lot with ended up breaking up. Which was true. But after I said it I felt a bit stupid for saying that. We were in good spirits I felt. Or at least I was. I felt very talkative and light. I was laughing a lot and making jokes which I don't do so often. Matti was the most quiet of us all. There were times when I thought maybe I'm too loud and speaking too much. But I didn't want to get overly self-conscious and worry about the dynamics in this triangle walk too much. I realized that my main desire and wish was to reconnect with Anna which felt natural and not difficult at all. Anna said that she was concerned about giving enough attention to the two of us. I said she shouldn't stress, that we're both doing just fine. On an open field we spotted a dog and  its owner. Anna started petting the dog, then I petted the dog. And Matti also petted him. And then the dog put his muzzle in Mattis crotch and was hiding from the world there for a while. Out of the blue I asked them if they were thinking of having children. I think this question startled them somewhat. After a long silence they said they hadn't taken the time to talk about it. Again I felt I had probably asked the wrong question and decided to stop sticking my nose into their couple intimacy.
Matti discovered a nearby forest on some ap on his iphone. We decided to check it out and walked past some typical colorful Swedish cottage style houses. The forest was leading up to a small hill. We walked up a trail which was wet and had a little brook running down it. On the way up that trail we found some berries and Anna told us an anecdote from her childhood when her sister had made her eat poisonous berries and her aunt had made her throw them up. She always used to eat everything she could find as a child - all kinds of berries and plants - this is a way of getting intimate with one's environment too. This made me think of a practice I had learned in India: vamana dauti. It's a gastric cleanse. One drinks 1 or 2 liters of salt water first thing in the morning, swooshes it around in one's stomach and then sticks one's finger down one's throat and regurgitates the water mixed with possibly some leftover putrified food of the stomach. I had found the practice very difficult and invasive. But one morning when I managed to throw up almost all of the water I felt very clear and light.
Matti walked a bit ahead of us and said he was looking for a vantage point. Anna and I were jokingly saying that it would be good to find an advantage point where the real intimacy could start. We had a nice way of laughing about the intimacy project together. Laughing is a great valve and medicine.  And it creates immediate connection if both parties are truly engaged in it.
It was a actually a very beautiful forest with smooth rocks overgrown with moss. On some of the bare rocks up at our self-appointed vantage point I proposed to do the being present in silence exercise. Since it was a bit wet, we didn't sit down but squatted instead. Squatting in silence for ten minutes isn't super comfortable for most Westerners and some small adjustments and repositioning became part of the ritual. I felt like we were posing for a Swedish fashion magazine's autumn collection. Certain squatting positions looked really awkward and I think it was more these funny positions that made us crack up and less the feeling shy about looking at each other in silence. After a while Anna picked up a tiny little baby slug on her index finger. She stood up with the slug and we all did the same and zoomed in on him. It made a little tiny movement as though it was massaging Anna's finger tip. Anna said she could feel him move and was wondering if the slug could feel her movement. Anna then passed the slug on to my index finger and we kept observing it like scientists. I passed the slug on to Matti. This ritual felt like a sequel to the dog petting earlier on the field. On Matti's finger the slug hesitantly let out his antenna to feel if it was safe to continue his journey. After the slug ritual we walked over to the real vantage point and could see a giant ice-hockey stadium in the shape of a globe not too far away. It was already getting a bit dark and we decided to walk back and go grab something to eat. Anna tends to get cranky if she gets hungry because of her low blood sugar. As we walked back through some fields with trees the sun came out just as it was going down. This colored the leaves of the tree golden and it was like a small miracle. I was awed. We walked through a big garden where city people can rent patches of soil to plant flowers, herbs and vegetables. This garden too seemed enchanted in these last rays of evening sunlight. In the end we decided to go and cook something at Anna's flat. I did the afternoon's dishes while Matti made some quinoa and Anna cooked cabbage and soy beans and baked some baby eggplant with olive oil and sesame seeds in the oven. While the things were cooking and baking, Anna and Matti had a rest on the bed and I lay down on the floor and massaged my sacrum.
The food was once more scrumptious. We got to talking about teaching and Matti voiced his opinion that one shouldn't start teaching others before one isn't ready to really hold a class and deal competently with whatever comes up in a student. Since I had started teaching yoga after completing a one-month 200hour teacher training, I felt compelled to say something and expressed my opinion that one shouldn't have too high expectations of a teacher and that I often found myself learning more from somebody who is down to earth and human and not afraid to expose their own shortcomings as opposed to the perfect guru. This slight difference in opinion led to a lengthy discussion and became quickly very personal between Anna and Matti . . . to the point where I couldn't follow anymore and felt that there were some unresolved issues of their relationship dynamic coming to the surface and taking over the course of the conversation. Before I knew it it had turned into a quite personal and edgy dialogue between the two of them which actually made me feel rather uncomfortable. I wanted to sneak out and do the dishes but didn't really find the right moment for it, but on the other hand I also felt there was something at stake from which I might learn an important lesson. I felt I should try to mediate this argument and not let it escalate too much and at the same time I thought it was actually something they had to resolve amongst them. There were moments when I felt both Anna and Matti were close to tears and I was suffering with them but couldn't find the right words or action to ease the situation. When there finally was a moment for clearing the table and moving to the kitchen, I was relieved to be leaving. Yet a guilty feeling of having cowardly backed out on a commitment lingered with me on the journey back home. I hadn't been able to competently deal with whatever comes up in a situation that had gotten far too intimate for me.


Tuesday, September 4, 2012

intimate walk with Camilla

I met Camilla at the Mangkulturellt centrum where we were going to have lunch first. I was about 7 minutes late for the meeting. I thought she would already go down to the cafe and start eating or at least have a drink. But she waited for me at the entrance in the parking lot with her smartphone. She looked very professional. From the email communication we'd had I knew that she was a curator. I didn't apologize for being late . . . I'm starting to think that Swedish people are very punctual people though, probably even more so than the Swiss. I was still in a happy mood from the free-flowing but short intimate walk I had had in the morning with Katrin. And something inside of me was decidedly warding off a tendency towards a certain power dynamic that often goes with curator-artist relationships. I had no interest in trying to impress this woman by eloquently talking to her about my work or seducing her into a very diligently crafted intimate walk experience.  It was a buffet-style lunch with exclusively vegetarian mezze dishes and lots of raw salads. I think we both were quite pleased with the choice to have lunch here. We decided to eat outside at a small round bistro-style table. We were the only two sitting outside despite the warm, sunny weather. While eating Camilla started asking me questions about my work and how I had ended up in this residency. She seemed genuinely curious and I felt I managed to give plausible answers. I noticed that I was avoiding eye contact though. I had spotted a  'hard face curator'-look a few times when my articulation had been especially slow and maybe a bit clumsy. So to counteract a feeling of not living up to the professional standard of this meeting, I preferred to gaze out into the lush greenery of the trees and meadow while talking about my work.  She went back inside to get some more water and then it was my turn to ask her about her work. I got the feeling that she didn't want me to reveal her exact position in the art scene in this text so I won't go into that. But she talked very eloquently and enthusiastically about her job.
Talking about intimacy she had to think of an experience she had this summer. She recently bought a sailboat and went out sailing with a sailing teacher and her two kids. Spending 3 days together in the very limited space of that sailboat was to her the essence of intimacy because you cannot escape and you share everything. I imagine sailing teachers must be quite skilled in negotiating intimate space.
After a coffee and tea we crossed a meadow with ducks and geese and started out on our walk towards the lake. Only then did I realize that Camilla was wearing plateaux shoes which were not the best gear for that sort of swampy terrain. She was eager to get on the dry path but was actually managing fine. A bit later  during the walk, when we had already reached a higher level of ease with each other, she commented that she hadn't thought we were going to walk on these nature trails. After a short pause she admitted with a self-amused smile that she had dressed for the paved streets of Fittja and with the intention to look smart. The walk was actually really enjoyable and I could sense that Camilla was impressed by the beauty of our surroundings as much as I was. She repeated several times that most Stockholmers didn't even know that this existed out here and connected Fittja only with problems as unemployment, crime etc. As time passed and as we continued walking at a leisurely pace I became less busy with the fact that I was on a walk with a curator and felt more and more like I was walking with a friend. Maybe people would have easier access to intimacy if they were less prejudiced.
Camilla apparently had received a message from Johana back at the konsthall and was checking the public transport timetable on her iphone to see when she could catch a bus to the konsthall. She was actually starting a two-week internship at the Botkyrka konsthall this very day because she wanted to see with her own eyes how another art institution functions from the inside. I find this very cool. I mean the fact that despite her experience and her high-rank position, she goes back to being an intern to broaden her horizon and to learn something new in a different context.
We decided to slowly head back so she would make it back on time to drop by at the konsthall and greet Johana. But before I proposed to do an exercise. I thought Camilla (being a  curator (-;) might enjoy an extra element in this walk apart from nature and our natural flow of dialogue. I let her choose between 3 tasks: 1) being present in silence together 2) laughing meditation 3) singing together
She found being present in silence together most intriguing I think, but wanted to try laughing meditation because she had never done it. So we did first 5 minutes of laughing and then 5 minutes of sitting in silence. Because the exercises required lying and sitting down and the grass was too wet, we tried to find the wooden pier we had spotted before but couldn't locate it anymore. While slowly walking back on the lookout for an appropriate platform for our exercises, Camilla suddenly asked me a very confronting question: 'So what's your impression of me so far?' I asked her if she often asks these kinds of questions to strangers. She said no never. That she finds it a very intimate question and a kind of stupid one in fact, but that she thought she'd take the chance to ask it anyway since we're both together in the safe frame of this art project. I found it difficult. I tried to be as honest as possible. Above all I didn't want to come across as polite and evasive. So I told her about my prejudices of curators and about the power gap and said that I had definitely sized her up as a city girl. And that I could mainly talk of my own perception and within that was quite amazed how comfortable I had come to feel with her in the course of the walk. I wasn't very straightforward. That's not my strength. But looking back I can say that my first impression of Camilla had been that of a tough and intellectual curator , but in the course of the walk I found her very human and beautiful and at some point even vulnerable which touched me. Of course I couldn't keep myself from asking her for her impression of me. She said that she perceived me as a happy person. But that I can also be quite serious. And that I was a very kind person. Laughing together felt very good and therapeutic. Then we did the sitting in silence and being present. The exercise is not primarily about locking in on each others' gaze, but it's ok to see each other and allow oneself to be seen. I think I said something along those lines as an introduction. It became quite obvious that this exercise was challenging for Camilla. She kept cracking up when looking at me and said that she first had to look in the other direction to concentrate. It did feel very intimate and confronting and the few times we really did look at each other we smiled with encouragement and gratitude I felt. Afterwards we talked and she said something very beautiful. She said that when I smile my eyes light up and I shine. That I am jewel. 'We all are in our own way.' She said it in her own way and it was so unexpected (especially coming out of the mouth of a curator) that it managed to touch me very deeply. I almost wanted to cry. I experienced this as a moment of true intimacy, so much so that it scared me a bit.


Monday, September 3, 2012

intimate walk with Katrin

She had gotten up at 6am to do her laundry and while it was washing had watched a new crime show with a sexy Swedish actress. Sexy in a cute, normal kind of way she said. We met at 8:40am at Liliholmen metro station on a sunny Monday morning. Today Katrin started a master studies program called 'art in the public realm'. So at ten she had to be at school. This was going to be a shorty. She said she had a plan and we walked over to some factory buildings turned into artists' ateliers. In one of the formal factory buildings there was a posh lunch cafe. In front of that cafe Katrin spotted a guy with a coffee and a cigarette who looked like he had a hangover. They knew each other and greeted each other with a hug and kiss and exchanged some sentences in Swedish. The guy also shook my hand but kept looking at Katrin. I could sense some distant or recent intimacy in their short interaction. When we both explained that we were doing the 'intimate walk project' the guy gave us a suspicious and slightly amused look. Later Katrin told me that during her first year of her bachelor she had been drunk a lot and this guy had always given her free alcohol cause he worked at this bar and they had had a thing together. She hates the word intimacy. Because it is always immediately connoted with sex. And she doesn't like sex. I didn't ask her why. She read some academic book with a title something like 'the purchase of intimacy'. Intimacy as an agreement between two people who share knowledge on equal terms. I didn't understand how exactly this theory is related to the title of the book. So intimacy is a deal. You tell me your secrets, I'll tell you mine. Give and take. I said for me it's also about being more intimate with myself, being in touch with myself. While talking we found ourselves walking along the shore of a small lake surrounded by trees. There's always some lake or water body or some little forest popping up in Stockholm before long. There was a clearing and a table right next to the water which invited us to sit down. We started talking about religion and spirituality. Katrin was brought up as a Christian. She is originally from Norway and she still believes, but doesn't touch the bible anymore. She left her husband in Norway (they had already bought a house together) and came to Stockholm three years ago to study art. She said she had been depressed before and then when she started studying art she was doing better but the relationship didn't function anymore. So she quit the relationship and committed herself to art completely. We talked about commitment later on. Katrin felt there wasn't any real commitment in this encounter between the two of us. I see her point. It's just a short moment of focussing on each other in the frame of a project on intimacy. It might provide a window for momentary trust, for performing and sharing tiny bits of intimate information. Katrin said of herself that she had a rather distracted mind and that when she goes to church (which she still does every now and then) she feels her thoughts much more focused. She knows why she is there and feels there is a clearer sense of connection with herself. Recently she went a few times to the Royal Opera to see Wagner and felt a similar kind of focus and protected space like at church. As a child she used to pray all the time. In school she perceived studying as a form of praying, except mathematics. That was the only subject incompatible with praying. Katrin says of herself that she talks a lot without thinking too much about what she says. To me this makes her a very open and spontaneous, although slightly distracted and chaotic companion. But I was very much intrigued by her personality and by how organically the walk&talk developed and flowed. We also talked about keeping in touch with people and about facebook. She spent two years in high school on Vancouver island in Canada and uses facebook to keep in touch with some of her friends there. This year would have been a 10-year reunion, but the flights were too expensive. Which made me think of my host family in Idaho where I spent an exchange year in high school when I was 17. I didn't keep in touch, although I felt very close to them then. I feel they would like to hear some specific kind of news . . . that I got married and that I lead a good Christian life. And since I cannot give them this news I decided maybe it's easier not to stay in touch. . . Katrin has a similar situation with a family in Tanzania with whom she lived some years ago. They even named one of their kids after Katrin. She knows what kind of things they would like to hear in a letter . . .  and since she feels she cannot meet their expectations she keeps putting off writing that letter.


Sunday, September 2, 2012

intimate walk with Rebecca

This was Rebecca's first email: 
'I'd like to walk with you in Stockholm while you're here. I lack intimacy in my life and would find it interesting, though a bit scary, to spend time with someone who works with this as an artistic topic. I think the relation to the other is essential and am curious to see how this will feel and be addressed in a setting like this; a casual walk in the city of Stockholm with an artist whose topic is intimacy and myself who lack intimacy in my life.' 
In her second email she wrote: 
'what about Sunday? That would suit me! Is it ok to be anonymous or go under a fake name in your project?' 
This afternoon I tried to think a little bit about expectations and about what is at stake for me in the intimate walks project. Carola's email response prompted me to look again into the ethical implications of my research. What do I actually want to achieve with it? Am I really looking for intimacy? What do I take? What do I give? 
I'd been feeling foggy in my thinking.  Had slept in late and spent the afternoon at Artipelag, the private art museum out toward the archipelago where Kristina works. It's right on the water surrounded by forests. I had space in my head to take in the nature, taking in the art was a challenge though.
At 7pm I met Rebecca at Slussen in front of the flower stand, same place where I had met Carola, but the flowers were gone already this time. 7pm is sunset time. I was actually a bit tired from the whole day although it hadn't been such a long one. I felt languid and not terribly open to meet strangers. At artipelag out on the parking lot I had watched a young Swedish family for a long time while waiting for the bus. I was fascinated by the playful choreography of the three kids. How they clambered up on rocks, got their hands dirty digging in the earth and horsed around with their father was a very enjoyable spectacle and made me smile despite my melancholic mood. 
Rebecca arrived on her bike. I said I didn't really have a plan where to walk and after some negotiation she decided to leave the bike at the metro station and we walked eastward from Slussen to the cliff overlooking the bay. Rebecca was rather tired also. She had been trying to find somebody to teach her an animation program because she wanted to work with animation for a project. She is a visual artist and has recently finished the fine arts school in Stockholm. Rebecca was talking a lot and seemed a bit restless. I noticed that when meeting a stranger I tend to have difficulties to really follow and understand what that person is saying if they talk a lot. Suddenly I found myself talking also. I wanted to be more true to my impulses and not just play the accommodating intimacy host. So I tried to explain my questions and concerns about the project. After Carola's feedback I'd started to put into question my competence to make the intimate walk into a beneficial and interesting activity for both parties involved. Now in hindsight, I feel that it was good to express my doubts and concerns and to lay my cards on the table. I think this 'confession' of sorts came across as quite genuine and made Rebecca understand that I didn't have a very clear and thought-through concept as is often expected in the visual arts field. So while following my impulse to explain myself and express my current state of mind I noticed that Rebecca is a very good listener. And right there something had already changed on the intimacy barometer. There was another kind of connection and another kind of listening . . . 
As we were looking out over the bay, she showed me about 5 towers in different parts of the city and told me about a project for which she worked with young female singers who all stood on a different tower and sung a type of melancholic Swedish yodel. I had to think of Rapunzel. This yodel was traditionally sung by young women who were herding cattle. Across the bay there was an amusement park with a ferris wheel. I had to think of a short story by Haruki Murakami in which a woman gets stuck overnight in a ferris wheel and sees her own apartment from the gondola high in the air and watches herself making love with a stranger in her bedroom which freaks her out completely. 
We continued our walk and from listening to Rebecca speak I concluded that she is a bit of a workaholic like me. Or at least that work and projects are always the top priority. She expressed her wish to take more care of intimate friendships and I could relate to that. I also feel guilty for not keeping in touch with people and for normally putting work at the top of the list. She mentioned that she experiences a lot of anger and impatience coming from stress, but that she doesn't have very good tools to reduce stress in her life. She started to take some African dance classes, but she doesn't go regularly. We ended up complaining about the art market and the tough conditions and the pressure and competitive spirit and the whole spiel. It didn't feel very constructive. But it's a topic any two artists like to indulge in to feel more connected it seems. 
Eventually we found ourselves in the courtyard of some conference hotel with a nice lawn and some benches under trees (still overlooking the bay). The night was slowly falling. I felt like proposing some exercises. Either 10 minutes sitting in silence or singing together on the bench. Rebecca seemed happy to try them and chose to do the silent presence exercise first cause she found it more challenging. So we sat 10 minutes in silence being present. I felt her rather uncomfortable and tried my best to send out accommodating and friendly energy. We looked at each other in the eyes sometimes and cracked a smile ever so often. About halfway into the exercise the lanterns of the park went on. Twice we took a deep breath together because we noticed that we were both tensing up. Afterwards we talked. She confessed that it hadn't been easy but that with the time something relaxed. We decided to do the singing also. We looked over at the amusement park at the other side of the bay and sent some initially careful and then more and more full-bodied yodels, yowls and improvised melodies into the night of the city. It felt very nice to do and fun. As we walked back to Slussen I think we both felt tired in a more fulfilled way. 

intimate walk and hot chocolate with Carola

I met Carola at Slussen in front of the flower stand in the rain at 3pm Friday. She recognized me by the white cap and walked up to me with an inviting smile on a calm, relaxed face surrounded by a curly hairdo. Later on she told me that she had had her hair done recently and was still getting used to it. The curls are natural though. It's not exactly an Afro but it surrounds her soft and angelic face like an aura made of black curls with one tuft on the left side next to her face dyed blond. She didn't bring any rain clothes cause she can't stand them, but didn't mind walking through the rain. She made a very self-assured, almost stoic first impression on me. Maybe stoic isn't the right word. More resting in herself, at home in her body and at ease, unaffected by the bad weather it seemed. I imagined she could be a therapist or a tour guide maybe . . . used to approaching strangers in an accommodating way.  I had my windbreaker and it wasn't pouring cats and dogs. So we walked over to Gamla Stan, the old historic city center. I realize how important first impressions are. They occupy my memory and stay there. It's not easy to get rid of them. She told me that she used to live close to Fittja where I'm staying. That's where she grew up in fact. So for some reason I immediately placed her in the immigration slash ethnic box - also because of her skin color. Not typically Swedish at all. I would have guessed some Italian or Israeli roots or maybe even Egyptian or Turkish. And then I kept being amazed how intelligent and eloquent she was, how well she chose her words and how versatile with her vocabulary - but not in a 'I want to impress' kind of way. I found myself on an intimate walk with a very well-educated and charming young woman. I found out that she had just finished composing school. And before had studied sound engineering. She had also been involved in theater projects. She asked me about the relation of my artistic work with therapy, because apparently something was mentioned on the facebook page where Kristina had advertised the intimate walks. So I told her how it all had started with 'White Horse - an attempt at live therapy' which was more meant as an ironic twist on therapy in the theater . . . and how from then on the therapeutic approach stuck to me almost like a label or signature or light in the dark or red line to follow. She explained to me how in her composition pieces she also works with her own shit (as she put it) a lot. And then she said something about how tiring this can get. At the beginning of the year she was diagnosed with ADHD just like her sister had been. It's really becoming a hype this diagnosis. I was curious how this diagnosis had affected her and her artistic work. She went on talking about a composition piece that she made based on the crystal memory as opposed to the work memory. (These are terms literally translated from Swedish) One being more like the short-term memory and the other more long-term if I understood correctly. She described in much more eloquent words than I'm using now how some melodies and sounds would have these short echoes and reverberations. If I'm not mistaken this is how Carola transformed the ADHD diagnosis into her artistic work. But maybe I'm wrong and should get diagnosed with ADHD as well, because when it gets to the nitty-gritty stuff of some artistic concept I often lose track and get a bit lost. We arrived in a courtyard of a Finnish church. There were some flower beds and a war memorial (of either the Finnish or the Second World War). Carola said that she comes here often with her friends because it's so quiet and nobody ever comes here. They would sit there for hours talking and drinking coffee. At night time it's especially intimate and peaceful she said. We couldn't sit down because it was all wet from the rain. Instead we walked onwards to a square where Carola showed me a famous cannon ball that had been fired into the corner of a building during some civil unrest in the Middle Ages. She explained the whole story as we were standing on that square pointing right at the cannon ball and for about 5 minutes I simply couldn't see the cannon ball because I thought it was in the wall or a shop window right around the corner. There was a huge sign at the corner of the building and for a while I started looking for the cannon ball inside of that sign. And I already felt stupid for maybe not knowing what a cannon ball actually looks like and if I knew I'd for sure be able to detect it. But in the end I spotted it right above the sign, dug into the wall right on the corner of that building as Rebecca had explained all along. I really should get tested for ADHD. . .
Carola proposed to seek shelter and go for a coffee in a gay cafe where they supposedly had some of the best coffees and hot chocolates in town and a lot of chocolate pastries and the famous cinnamon buns! It was a very old establishment from the 16hundreds. We ordered two hot chocolates and a cinnamon bun to share. For the sake of intimacy and gezelligheid I decided to betray my Vegan principles and savor this as a special treat. Inside the cafe we started talking about relationships. We realized that we both never had a lasting relationship for the whole span of our adult lives. This lack in our lives made for an intimate connection. There we were - two adult strangers afraid of intimacy, afraid of commitment - sharing our fears and hopes over a hot chocolate and a cinnamon bun . . . listening and probing, asking questions and encouraging each other. Carola told me how her father recently called her one morning when she was still a bit hung over because she had picked up this macho guy in a bar the night before. And she ended up telling her father on the phone and wondering out loud why she kept doing this - going home with these straight, strong guys who remind her of her father and who she simply couldn't stay with for longer than a few days or a week. And her father replied in a very matter-of-fact tone of voice: 'No you shouldn't go out with these macho guys. They are not your type' as if it was the most obvious bit of information in the world. This is the kind of intimate stuff Carola shared with me and more . . . for example that she is falling in love with and possibly starting a relationship with a woman on Öland, but that she is scared shitless and that she might need some more time. And that this woman doesn't let her touch her unless she is ready to commit to something serious. Carola finds this respectful and fair. And I, in return, of course had to tell her about my love affair in Uruguay. . . put on hold and waiting to turn into a relationship . . . or not . . . and that I'm afraid to project things into this relationship because I want to keep myself from being disappointed when I see Gonzalo again at the end of September. And that we never even skyped in two years of not seeing each other but only kept in touch via email. 
There was a real need and care in sharing and talking. It was one of the most talkative intimate walks I've ever done - maybe due to the fact that we sat in that cafe for more than half of the time spent together. But if felt like a real connection and I'd be very curious to know the sequel to the love story on Öland. We also talked about the problematic relationships with our fathers and mothers which are always intimate by their very nature. And for a long time we talked about auras - Carola is able to read auras. She learned it from a classmate in school. She doesn't do it so much anymore. But she used to be able to see people's energies without even making a special effort and this created a very colorful world for her . . . which in turn made it difficult for her to focus sometimes. So now she always asks for permission first. Because auras are private.
Immediately after the walk Carola sent me this message:
i hope this is not out of "concept" but i wanted to say this meeting touched me in a sense.
under the form of intimate i felt i pushed my boundries and in that also saw something new in me.
when i dare to open up and show myself, i am also able to meet someone else and see them. There's a kind of love in that. Platonic and universal but still. Thank you!

After I sent her the text to double-check she replied: 
It's a cute story, and it made me smile. And I also feel flattered by your description, thank you. Though very intimate, it's kind of the nature of the game and your private depiction.
I reacted to two things, wanted to sleep on it though.
At first I thought the macho story was alright, that kind of information doesn't really bother me. but there was something about it. a kind of tone that makes me feel vulnerable, left on a limb. A feeling I didn't have while sharing. I think it lies in the sentence "
This is the kind of intimate stuff Carola shared with me and more . . ."
My own reflection on you text though. And I say this as in a continuous talk on what intimacy really is. You seem surprised on the type of information I am sharing. I think people find different things private, and in that sense I might be very open as I am used to be with my friends. I find it more intimate to tell someone exactly what i am feeling than to tell the story of a one night stand. in that perhaps private and intimate are totally different things. I keep thinking of what your friend the monastery owner said on intimacy, that it's being yourself to the fullest in a group of people. For me that is a kind of trust. Knowing that you won't be abandoned or despised for who you are. I am being very straight forward again, but that is the controversy for me. In the meeting i felt trust, in the text i also feel a distance. Like I didn't meet you but instead was investigated by a zoologist. Although you do express a connection as well. There are a lot of grey scales and shades in the world. These I reacted strongly to.

And this I wrote in response: 
Thanks for your sincere feedback. When looking at the text again, I realize that it is written with quite some distance. Could this be due to the fact that I didn't write much about my feelings and subjective reactions to the 'zoological subject' I was investigating? It's strange that it turned out that way. Because I think I usually put more of that subjective analytical stuff in. Maybe I tried to be more succinct and leave more space for ambiguity or asking the reader to read in between the lines. Although I'm not really sure what I would want them to read there. . . But you're right that I maybe hit a certain detachment and coolness in my tone. I can see it clearly in the text now that you pointed your finger at it. Maybe I'm a bit tired of observing and analyzing my own meandering thoughts and self-conscious behavior in an exchange with a stranger. Possibly I'm not thinking so much in this very period of my life. You write about grey shades and scales. Do you feel I neglected them in the report? I think the very essence of this project lies in a grey zone. 

Do you feel betrayed in your trust after reading the text? Do you question my sincerity? 
I realize that I can never give the complete picture of such an encounter. Our encounter was so rich. How to honor that, how to pay tribute to that? What I wrote may be a simplification and makes the meeting sound more trivial than it was . . . I guess I also thought of a general public when writing the email, trying to quickly deliver a readable and entertaining text which isn't all too ambiguous and difficult to read. I guess my style (in writing) and in interactions is a certain naivete which is appealing to some and boring to others. Maybe I should be less concerned with what people expect of me. Am I trying to defend myself? To explain myself? I feel concerned. Don't want to leave you out on that limb. I would love to meet you again and have another long talk over a tea or coffee. . . to figure out what misunderstandings I (we) created. . . to take it a bit further. It's very easy to open up without having to worry about consequences. Maybe I want life to be too simple. 

Thursday, August 30, 2012

intimate walk with Jonas

Jonas was the first one who contacted me to go for a walk in Stockholm. Already two weeks prior to my arrival. So at least I knew there would be one walk happening for sure. We agreed by mail to meet at 4pm in Södermalm at the Hornstull metro station south exit. He wrote he was going to hold a minimalistic bicycle. I replied he would be able to recognize me by a white baseball cap. Finally today my first Stockholm walk. I arrived there 20 minutes early and walked once around the block. When walking around the block I noticed some soreness in my sacrum. From back-bending too much in my yoga practice last night. I tried to relax my sacrum and swing my hips a bit more to create more mobility in that area. I caught myself looking at my reflection in a shop window to makes sure my gait wasn't exaggeratedly effeminate now. It wasn't. I felt a new freedom and body awareness, but from outside the difference was minimal. I could feel it in my backbone that this intimacy project in Stockholm was going to open something in me. When getting back to the Hornstull south exit I became quite excited in a soft way. Differently from my previous intimate walks, this was the first time I was going to walk with a complete stranger. A crowd of pedestrians was crossing the street when the lights turned green and walked right towards me. I stayed there with this multitude of people coming at me and enjoyed the idea of opening myself up to all and any of them. A few young and not so young men passed me on more or less minimalistic bikes - but none of them was watching out for a white base ball cap. Then an sms. I'm at the corner. Wearing all black w bike. I looked up from my mobile phone and  saw a black figure standing with a bike at the corner 50 meters down across the street. We waved at each other and I made a sign that I was going to cross to meet him on the other side. There he was: Jonas. He was wearing dark sunglasses, black pants and a black shirt. On his forearms he had tattoos depicting two birds. His hair was thick and black. He reminded me a bit of John Travolta in Grease. Or of the cool Portuguese bike mechanic and skater who used to fix my bike in Amsterdam. I'm not sure if I really thought this when I first saw him or if I'm only making these comparisons now in hindsight. But it's funny to realize how quick I go looking for references. Probably to help me feel more safe and reassured ... that what I see and am about to get to know more intimately is not completely foreign. Julia once brought my attention to this same habit I have with landscapes.
I had walked around Hornstull the day before and had seen some people swimming in the bay in that neighborhood. This morning I wrote a quick email to Jonas saying that I would bring my swimsuit. We shook hands and exchanged a few first quick sentences to downplay the awkwardness of this blind date situation. 'So this is your minimalistic bike.' was one of mine. 'So where would you like to walk?' one of his. He remembered my proposal for a swim and said he knew a good spot for that. On the way there he was pushing his bike beside him. It was a very light weight bike with very thin tires. We talked briefly about the intimacy project. I asked him how he was related to Kristina and found out that they had met in a bar over a couple of beers. He wasn't connected to her via university or the konsthall as I had suspected. He told me about his work as a photographer. He studied in Stockholm and one year in New York. He likes taking portraits of people and explained how people who are used to having their portrait taken always hit the same kind of poses and give him the same kind of looks. I had to think of the very fashionable locals I had spotted everywhere the day before. Then we arrived at the swimming spot. A little wooden platform with railings into the water. It was a quiet spot in a residential district. I found it very inviting. He made it clear though that he wasn't going to swim as he had been sick last week. I already wore my swim trunks underneath. I found it very generous of him and a bit selfish of myself that he was going to wait there while I had my pre-announced swim. And the weather was windy and overcast so first I thought I was going to decline as well. But then I thought: No, let's do it. It felt like a good decision to follow my desire and and not let the expectations I think the other person has of me stand in the way of getting intimate with my surroundings. That merging with the waterbodies of Stockholm felt like becoming intimate with the city at some subconscious level. I felt more open and eager to take in the majestic city and the unique personality of Jonas.  He took some pictures of me swimming which made me feel a bit self-conscious, but another part of me was flattered to be shot by the photographer. From that point onwards I asked more questions and felt more awake and things flowed smoothly. We talked about the architecture we passed. About the temperament of the Swedish in winter and in the summer months. I asked him about his background which I had been curious from the beginning but didn't dare to ask right away. He was adopted from Guatemala but grew up entirely in Stockholm. He said that he didn't spend much time thinking about his origins and his adoption while growing up, but that he is now dealing with it . . . still dealing with it. He has been to Mexico City on an art scholarship, but not yet to Guatemala. We crossed a big bridge (the Västerbron) to Kungsholmen where we entered a park with an amphitheater. There we did the exercise of 5 minutes sitting in silence and just being present. First he was going to take some Ritalin. He explained me that he was diagnosed with ADHD about a year ago and that Ritalin helps him focus and be more in the moment. I said not to worry, no pressure and felt a bit arrogant and responsible for proposing this exercise. But then we did it anyway since he insisted that he wanted to try it and thought it's good for him. And I felt very touched by his sincere effort to try this even though he said it wasn't one of his strengths to do meditative practices. He can meditate best on his bike in the crazy city traffic when his full attention is required to keep him safe. We agreed to start walking back towards Hornstull metro station, but then we passed a bouldering playground. And I said let's try this. We both had a few goes at climbing up the two boulders. He said that this was more like his kind of meditation and that he had always wanted to try bouldering and never had. I did it once with Swedish Daniel in Amsterdam in an indoor climbing hall. And I came across super nice boulders and boulder-climbers in Hampi, India. But it had never occurred to me  that one could do this for free and without equipment in a park in Stockholm. If I lived here I would come here regularly to get that nice tingling sensation in fingers and lower arms. I also tried to promote the Osho dynamic meditation to Jonas. But bouldering and cycling is probably more up his alley. When our paths separated at the metro station I genuinely and enthusiastically said that I had had a great afternoon. And I think he enjoyed it too. My spirits had lifted from post - Sweet&Tender for the End of the World depression to an outdoorsy and active approach to a city and its inhabitants - and Jonas had been my intimate guide and barometer.
I sent the text to Jonas to double-check and this was his comment:
I´m ok with the text! Only thing would be that I wasn´t taking my ritalin to do the meditation, but rather, I have a time every afternoon i have to take them. It´s  when my morning-dose wears off. It just happened to be right when we were about to start the 5min meditation. Perhaps you could change that? Or if its to hard to rewrite, just take it out completly? Just that I´m kind of sensitive about what language is used about theese sort of diagnosis and medicines You know, people thinking that kind of medicine is to get high or whatever rather than to just be on level... 
Oh, and the diagnosis is actually ADD. ie no Hyperactivity, hehe.
Put what I write here into the blogentry also if you want.

Anyway a very sweet text. 
Really wanna try bouldering now.....

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Lonely Allegiance - intimate walks in Stockholm

I was invited to participate in the group exhibition LONELY ALLEGIANCE curated by Kristina Lindemann. Before and parallel to the exhibition I got the opportunity to take up the intimate walks again in the frame of a two-week residency at Residency Botkyrka and MDT in Stockholm.

I arrived in Stockholm on Monday. Today is Wednesday. I must say that my thinking and writing capacity and my ability to take in, process and digest information is rather slow at the moment. I see myself in a recovery process from an overload of responsability, stuck emotion, sexual frustration, alienation and insecurity which has accumulated during my last project SWEET&TENDER FOR THE  END OF THE WORLD in Bern. It was a month-long residency project with 20 artists which I coordinated and co-organized. I'm not going to try and analyze the details and reasons for this overwhelming sense of failure and confusion right now. Paradoxically to my own perception the project was deemed a success and great gift by most people involved. It was mainly my own 'movie playing in my head' that threw me so completely off balance. I did have a short, less than a week's break before coming to Stockholm during which I walked in the Swiss Alps with my friend Catalina. This little Swiss holiday didn't restore my equilibrium though and I still found myself in a state of mild depression until this morning. My friend Roger wrote to me in response to an 'intimate' email: What is THE ORGANIZER? in capital letters? Is it a role you were supposed to play? Or is more the role where you find yourself stuck in? The image of yourself? Walking is nice. Depression is ok. Right now I feel is something to deal with, only that, that's it. So don't worry, give yourself the chance to feel that too. 
Yesterday I also wrote an email to my mother apologizing for my stressed-out and consequently impolite behavior when I was at home in the village shortly before leaving again for Sweden. She replied: I hope you will slowly find yourself again during these two weeks in Stockholm. I always sense very well if you are doing well or suffering. I think you have been too ambitious with this big project. I hope that this will teach you a lesson not to bite off more than you can chew. You're not an organizer after all. Try to be content with more simple things. Don't you think you could choose a much happier and more relaxed life teaching yoga?   

Luckily Kristina had arranged for me to arrive a few days early to acclimatize and get to know the context in which we are operating. I'm only officially conducting 'intimate walks' from tomorrow on.
I didn't manage to do a lot these three first days. On Monday I went shopping and bought mainly fruit and vegetables for my green smoothies and raw food diet - during Sweet&Tender for the End of the World I gave up my diet principles and slipped into old habits of drinking too much coffee and sweets to counteract a blurry mind and tired body.
So I told myself I'll use this time in Stockholm to recover a sense of intimacy and care. A regular yoga routine is also on my list of things to get back to. So far I haven't been able to find a good rhythm though and indulged in sleeping in late which I apparently needed. Fine. I promised myself not to be hard on myself for a change this time.

On Tuesday I went and had lunch with Erik and Kristina at the Mangkulturellt Centrum. Erik studied fashion design and works now as an outreach coordinator at the Botkyrka Konsthall and Mangkulturellt centrum. He made a dynamic and relaxedly efficient impression on me with his hip (self-tailored I imagine) clothing style and sleepy out of bed look.  He works with adolescents and school kids in the neighborhood trying to make art and culture more accessible to them. I also met Tatiana, a native Bolivian who works at the Mangkulturellt Centrum at the exhibition hall and in the office. I perceived her as a tough girl, but very nice. Proud of her origins. I talked to her in Spanish when she said she was from Oruro, Bolivia. It's the city with the famous carnival.

After lunch I walked with Kristina around Fittja, the neighborhood where the residency and the multicultural center are located. I couldn't help but see in her the person who invited me and therefore had certain expectations of me. The group exhibition LONELY ALLEGIANCE is her final project for her master studies in curatorship. I felt already a bit guilty because the communication by email and some skype meetings in preparation for this residency had sometimes been a bit much for me. Kristina tends to give A LOT of information and since I had for the past month been immersed in the overpowering End of the World project I often found myself unable  to filter out the truly important info from the less important. So I guess upon meeting her in person I was already a bit prejudiced and worried that I wouldn't be able to fulfill her expectations and keep up a professional dialogue with her. During the walk in Fittja she was mainly the one talking and I became aware that she was actually very accommodating and nice trying to provide me with all the information and knowledge about the neighborhood I might possibly need. She noticed when my focus drifted a bit and started to talk about the object upon which my gaze had apparently come to rest. This impressed me very much.
Eventually her pace of speech slowed down a bit and there were more pauses and silences which I appreciated. I went with her to the neighborhood library to distribute flyers and in the evening we went together to the MDT theater's season opening. Throughout this time spent together I could see that she was making a great effort to be polite and nice to people in a genuine and unobtrusive way. There had been some misunderstanding with MDT about the content and format of my 'research presentation' there. While I was already dreading problems and hard feelings, Kristina stayed patient and let me know that she wants them to be happy with the collaboration and finds it important to establish a sustainable relationship.